Fear

whenever I happen to get more than 10 mins of sitting with my own thoughts to entertain me, my mind tends to end at the same pathetic thought. I may just journal this, so that I can get a chance to deeply explain this to myself; so out of mistrust (sorry) I will be vauge; if that is possible.

This thought that happens to creep up in my mind when I give myself the time just makes me feel lonely beyond every meaning/ connotation/ denotation of the word. Depending on my state of mind I may end with the statement that I may have to be satisfied that I am going to be alone. The problem is that 99.9% of the time, I choose to be alone. I choose to walk past people I know without so much as a "hello".

Then I have to think, "why? Why do you do this to yourself?" I have summed it up to one thing: Fear. I am afraid of just about everything. Afraid of myself and my own abilities, afraid of other people and their ability to hurt me, afraid of mere untangible thoughts: other's thoughts of me, and how I perceive myself. I'm scared.

I have no idea how this happened. How I became the kind of person who would be sad at the fact that she sits alone, but pleased that she saved herself the heartache of meeting people that would walk out of her life.

That leads me to my own self-diagnosis that convinces me to self-perscribed loneliness. Relationships are not permanent, and that is what I seek. I want permanence in my life. Marriages don't last, so love is not permanent at all, friends break promises, stab you in the back, and they leave; friendship is not stable. I have never been exposed to relationships that work. So how do I avoid from getting my heart broken, my back stabbed, or suddenly left alone. What I have done is not put up with other humans beings for the most part. I don't speak, just keep a smile on my face and my head up so that I can still put on an air of significance, even though that's not how I feel at all.

There are a few things that I cannot do on my own, hinting at the opposite sex. when it comes that.... I'm in even bigger trouble because I do everything without forming a relationship so that I dont have to think about it. My goodness, my logic is absolutely idiculous.